Like many churches, my local independent church congregation that’s been going about 40 years is trying to get its head around the idea that LGBT people exist (and aren’t the devil incarnate) and that they might want to get married in our church building and also might want to preach or lead or in fact do anything that everyone else can do. Needless to say, as with the Anglican “Shared Conversations” process it’s somewhat tricky. Having said that, I’m gladdened and encouraged by the tone of most of the people taking part in a series of conversation over a number of Sunday evenings in our church.
So, as an LGBT person of Faith I was asked to share my “story” as it were. Afterwards in the pub my dear friends suggested it might be a good idea to share the text of what I said…. so here it is. You miss out on the great delivery, but you’ll get the gist.
I’ve been asked to speak tonight because I’m an LGBT person. Specifically, I’m Bisexual & Homo-Romantic.
Just so that I’m clear straight out of the gate, I am mostly comfortable and happy with my sexuality, though I haven’t always been and I say “mostly” because it’s quite tricky to shake off what’s been decades of abusive language, harmful words and the negative thought patterns that come from those. Also to be clear at the start, so that there’s no misunderstanding, I hold an affirming view of LGBT people. What does that mean? It means that I believe that LGBT people should be accepted & included equally at all levels of society and within church – when I talk about church tonight I mean the global church. It means that I believe that God loves LGBT people the way we are, because He made us that way. It means that I believe that LGBT Romantic Relationships are NOT inherently sinful & in fact should be celebrated because they can and do fit into what I believe to be the Godly model for Relationships & Marriage. And it means that I believe that LGBT people who are in Committed, Monogomous Relationships & Marriages (and those of us who are single) should be fully welcomed into church life, including being able to participate in preaching, leadership positions, teaching & leading worship, if those are areas we are called to.
However, I have a bit of a problem right now, because I and others like me have been called to serve God & the church but are currently prevented from doing so fully. I have a problem because words and behaviour poured into my life by Christians (and non-christians) about my sexuality have deeply damaged me. I have a problem when I hear & read words & phrases like “intrinsically disordered”, deviant, defective, perverted and my current favourite, “the hijacking of marriage” and I have to struggle quite hard to prevent these harmful words and the hate, fear &/or ignorance that lies behind them from taking root in my life and causing further damage. And when events like last summer’s massacre of LGBT people in a nightclub in Florida happen, I really have a problem with the people who are gleeful at LGBT murders, who say they deserved to die, that LGBT people should be, in their words, “put down”. And yes I do mean like a dog.
And then there are people I come across who would probably see themselves as more moderate, although still holding what they would see as a more traditional view. These moderates would certainly consider themselves welcoming, loving and gracious, but still maintain limits & hedges & conditions around that welcome and their acceptance. They would problematically express the view that something that is fundamental and unchangeable about me is unacceptable to an otherwise all loving God and they continue to use damaging language that implies that my sexuality is deficient or marred in some way and can be “fixed”, if only I was a bit holier and prayed more. I would hope you can see why I have a bit of a problem.
The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 14 years old.
I had by that time gone through years of confusion & torment & I’d done it alone and I utterly despised myself. This was because I had taken in hateful & poisonous words from Christians and society at large about homosexuality & LGBT people that bred such a level of self-loathing that I just knew – or at least I thought I knew – that God hated me and everything about me and if anyone else knew what I was they would hate me too. Turns out with regards to some of the people I was right. Of course I knew that suicide was wrong, but at least if I was dead, I wouldn’t be Gay any more. Since then I have experienced and seen violence, abuse, exclusion, indifference & ignorance towards myself and LGBT people because of our sexuality.
Just as countless other like me have done I spent hours & hours on my knees, weeping & begging God to change me, to “fix” me – to do something, anything to take away these feelings. But of course He hasn’t, because there’s nothing wrong with me. In my mid to late teens my desperation to fit in and be normal led to a very unhealthy relationship with a guy that ended in unfaithfulness on my part – obviously I’m not perfect & yes it was a very bad thing – and violence on his – not really a lot of fun for me.
And then, skipping over my twenties and early thirties, after years of hiding & suppressing who I was – and imagine how much energy it takes to do that – came what turned out to be a life-changing experience. I fell head over heels in love with a woman. This was something more than any of the crushes, passing fancies & flirtations with women that I’d had before. This was the real deal.
You see, I had thought that I’d lost the ability to love properly when my mum died. Don’t get me wrong, I really did care for my friends & family but there was a level I felt that I just couldn’t go to, something that simply shut down when I lost her. And in a way that I don’t understand, the brokenness that came with losing mum was somehow intrinsically linked to the self-loathing & shame imposed on me by church & Christians about my sexuality. And now here I was falling in love with a woman and in what felt like a miracle, she loved me back in the same way. The fact that I’m currently single does of course mean that the relationship ended, and yes it ended rather badly for a number of reasons – not least of which was probably due to fear and the externally imposed shame on both our parts. Keeping things secret put a pressure on the relationship that should never have been there, but at the time, neither of us was ready to go public. And could you honestly blame us?
But what she did give me was priceless & it’s one of the reasons I’m able to stand here tonight.
Because she showed me that I actually could love again. She showed me that I could love unconditionally & she opened the door to allow me to love all my friends & family fully. She opened my heart so that music and poetry could flow again.
And – she showed me that I was touchable, that I was not unclean or disgusting, that it was okay to think of myself as a person who could be desired. I was not alone & I was not a freak. She was as vital to me as breath and I know for a time I was as vital to her. I owe her an unpayable debt – the later part where she ripped out my heart and crushed it notwithstanding.
You’re free (because that’s your right) to believe that this relationship was something profane & to be repented of,– I can’t believe that & I won’t. And if I’m perfectly honest, if you do believe that then I think you have a pretty cold heart. Her love and that relationship was something essential to me, which is why I was so devastated when it ended. It was a blessing and it was sacred. Is that kind of love really dependent on the gender of the people involved? Honestly?
So I was left heart broken and devastated. Luckily I had a couple of very dear friends that were there for me through that. Thank You. But the gift she’d given me couldn’t be taken away and the work her love had done in my heart couldn’t be undone – I know now that it was God who had used her to do that work.
So, in this state I knew I didn’t ever want to have to hide a relationship again. And I didn’t ever want anyone else to feel about themselves the way I’d been made to feel by Christians and the church. And both knowing God much better than I had at fourteen and having experienced none of the crushing guilt I do when I actually do something wrong, I truly knew that what I was was okay by God. But there were verses in the bible and words that had been used to bludgeon and clobber me and LGBT people. So I determined to read, to study, to pray and spend time with God, to understand what God really wanted to say about me and my sexuality & what God wanted to say to his people about relationships in general and romantic relationships specifically.
So I went back to the bible & listened to God’s voice.
This bible that tells me that sexual activity between two people of the same sex is harmful WHEN it is exploitative, non-mutual, non-exclusive & non-consensual – in the same way that sexual activity between people of the opposite sex is harmful when it is exploitative, non-mutual, non-exclusive & non-consensual. This bible that tells me we are to welcome strangers and not exploit or degrade them by raping them, whatever gender they are. That we are not to use sex in any way to control or degrade someone, or exert power over them, or use people as commodities, or be unfaithful irrespective of the gender of those involved. This bible which says that actually Celibacy is the best way to be, but that the majority of people cannot bear its burden & it should not be forced on those not gifted with it. This bible that in equal partnership with tradition, reason and experience tells me that marriage is so much more than sex and that sex in all its forms should be with the person’s consent, in the context of a wholehearted commitment & within a mutual, co-operative partnership where both partners submit to each other & neither exerts power or authority over the other one. Consenting, Committed, Co-operative. That’s God’s idea for marriage. And none of those things are governed or restricted by the gender of the partners.
So it turns out that the bible isn’t as “clear” on homosexuality as I was led to believe when I was a struggling, vulnerable, lonely & hurting teenager (and in my 20s & 30s). There is more than one interpretation of the relevant passages and more than just the “clobber” verses that are relevant. And none of the interpretations are heresy…. ah but we have to put a pin in that – becasue that’s where we go back to the problem. The problem comes when the fruit of one of the interpretations is exclusion; oppression; injustice; emotional, mental & physical harm to people made in the image of God and in many cases, death.
Are you okay with all those things??
There’s also the result that if we’re excluding LGBT people in a church context, it’s not necessarily that we’re preventing them from serving God – though we are and I personally find that deeply, deeply hurtful – but actually it’s the church who is missing out. We’re missing out on potential leaders, evangelists, preachers & worshippers and we’re missing out on the perspective of a group of people who understand the outcast.
So what? What do I want? That’s a question I get asked quite a lot, “what is it you want?” I’ll be honest with you and I’ll admit I want to push the Gay agenda. Despite what some of my fellow LGBT sisters & brothers might say there most certainly is a Gay agenda and I’ll let you into what it is tonight. It’s this. Let’s treat LGBT people with the same dignity, equality & honour that we would any other human being. That’s it. It’s that simple.
What is it I want?
I want to be free to use my talents & gifts to serve God & love people. And because of my psychological make-up I find that rather difficult (almost impossible) to do alone. And yes, I’m so grateful for the wonderful friends that God has gifted me. I’m grateful for their love & support, for their companionship, how well we work together, how we smile together & I’m SO grateful that they include me in their lives. They truly are a blessing from God & they too have played their part in teaching me my worth and how to love and in healing my heart. But they can’t be there every day and they shouldn’t have to be; they can’t be there the way a spouse would be. And you know what. My bed is acres wide. It’s cold and it’s empty and it’s a desert.
I just want someone to love with all the fierceness within me and who will love me back. I want someone who will give me comfort and allow me to comfort them. I want all the wonderful, crazy, awful, amazing, boring everyday things that come with sharing your life with someone. And because of the way that God’s made me I simply can’t make that connection with a man, but I could with a woman.
What do I want?
I want LGBT people to know their worth and that they are not alone and that they are not freaks. I want Church to realise that LGBT people are not “that group of people out there”, but we are here in church, part of church. We are church.
I want us as a church to talk to and about people with dignity and respect. I want an end to the language of disgust. I want to practise Jesus’ radical idea of embracing the marginalised and a welcome at the table for all. I want an end to violence (both physical & verbal), an end to injustice and an end to oppression & exclusion and I want church to live up to our calling and lead the charge on that instead of having to be dragged kicking and screaming or being the ones guilty of it.
I simply want God’s best for LGBT people. I want God’s best for All people.
(editor’s note: I then finished with this piece slightly adapted from a lovely post by John Pavlovich here)
And God’s best for people is not isolation, denial, exclusion or conditional acceptance.
God’s best for people is not to have to continually overcome Christians just to get to Jesus.
God’s best for people is being true to themselves.
God’s best for people is being free to Love & be loved, to know & be known, to care and be cared for.
God’s best for people is them recognising that they bear the very likeness of God and that they are amazing. And that they are touchable.
God’s best for people is being allowed to spend a lifetime alongside someone that they love.
God’s best for people is being able to participate fully in the life of the Greater Church and the local church of their choosing.
The story isn’t finished yet. We’re living the next chapter here and now. You can help shape how this story ends.
Thank you for listening.
Thanks for this Jo, your a star and so blessed that I can hug you and call you my friend. I am so grateful to have you in my world. Thank you for yet more wise and affirming words on Sunday and for the laughs and your prayers tons of love, Gary x
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Grateful for your friendship & support
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Thank you so much for taking the time and having the courage to tell something of your story. You have been kind enough to read my LOTR blog from time to time and although I followed your blog back I did not know much about you. And now I want to honour your choice to be vulnerable. Actually all of us are vulnerable but most use huge amounts of energy to protect ourselves. It is one of the greatest mercies when the energy starts to diminish and we get to discover that God loves us as we are and isn’t that interested in the public face that we have spent time and energy trying to present.
If you have read my profile then you will know that I am an Anglican priest living and working in England. I happen to be straight and this has never been a moral choice on my part. Being faithful to my wife is a choice. Being kind to and supportive of my children is a choice. But being straight has never been a choice. I just happen to be straight. And from that insight alone I realise that sexual orientation is not a moral matter. What I do with my sexual orientation IS a moral matter and as you rightly say here we are talking about faithfulness, a refusal to exploit or abuse and, most importantly of all, a desire for the blessedness of every person. I have been blessed by friendships with a number of LGBT people over the years that have enriched me enormously and I also had a really difficult relationship with a colleague who is LGBT. In other words it is the same as my relationships with straight people!
So this is my prayer for you. That you may be blessed and that the more you journey into the real you the more you will find love and loveliness there. I look forward to reading more of your story and to some conversations from time to time as well.
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Stephen, thank you so much. Encouraging & kind, as ever
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I don’t understand this. The Bible clearly condemns homosexuality as sin that will be judged. Have you read the Bible? How do you reconcile these polar opposite ideologies? I see this a lot lately and I can only conclude you have not read or understand sound doctrine. I’m wondering how you came to this conclusion.
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Thanks for asking the questions – better to ask than stew quietly and condemn folk without attempting some understanding or empathy – so appreciate you asking even though you quite obviously disagree with my conclusions and point of view.
Having said that a few things:
1) The Bible is obviously not clear on the issue or the church wouldn’t be having these conversations.
2) Most Conservative/Orthodox/Regressive/Traditionalist/View B folk (whatever you think is the best description for yourself) would agree that there is no biblical condemnation of Homosexuality itself or anything inherently “wrong” with simply being Gay and the it is the Church’s past insistence that this has been the case that has caused a great deal of harm to LGBT folk. The whole “pray the gay away” and conversion therapy movement is wrong and harmful and even most of those who hold to a View B theology (ie that it is homosexual practice that is condemned by the bible) would agree.
3) Stating your opinion/ interpretaion of the texts that you think that the Bible condemns Homosexual text is NOT Homophobic. Stating that Homosexuals are demon possessed or equated with Child Molesters or that “being homosexual” (ie in nature) is sinful IS Homophobic.
4) You asked whether I had read the bible…. My response is, have you read this post as I clearly state that I read and studied the bible as part of discerning God’s heart on this. Perhaps if you missed that, there were things in the bible you missed too.
5) If you genuinely want to understand more about this I would recommend you read some of my earlier posts on this topic –
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/2015/10/06/in-or-out-a-very-personal-post/
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/2016/03/15/shibboleths-shagging-and-shalom-part-one/
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/2016/03/20/shibboleths-shagging-and-shalom-part-two/
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/2016/03/26/shibboleths-shagging-and-shalom-part-three/
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/2016/08/22/the-cursed-left-hand-a-thinly-veiled-analogy/
https://thatstorygirl.wordpress.com/about/my-bardings/the-princess-the-troll-a-faery-tale/
6) Once you have read those I recommend some excellent books that have helped me understand this issue more clearly.
Unclobbered – Colby Martin
A More Perfect Union – Alan Wilson
Amazing Love – Andrew Wilson
Changing Our Minds – David Gushee
The Bible’s Yes to Same Sex Marriage – Mark Achtermeier
there are many others, but these I have found to be the most readable and most convincing.
7) The essentials of View A is that the passages traditionally used to condemn Gay people and Homosexual Sex do not in fact describe committed, consensual relationships that we would know today. The actions condemned are rapes and unequal, non-consensual acts of one person dominating another, often related to idol worship. There is also a huge element of how the women were viewed ( ie as unequal to men) and that it is treating a man (crown of creation in God’s image) the same as you would a woman (as a sub-man, a man gone wrong, as poperty and a commodity) that is being condemned. The trajectory of scripture should lead us to stop treating women this way as well, but at the time, the society was not ready to hear that – In the same way that the trajectory of scripture has taken us from Love your friends and hate your enemy, to Love your enemy, to post scripture and knowledge of God’s nature saying actually don’t have enemies.
8) The “Ideology” of including the marginalised, outcasts. hurting and harmed in God’s Kingdom is in no way incompatible with Jesus Message as far as I can see. It is in fact the HEART of Jesus message and I am called to advocate for Justice in lifting up the lowly as are all of Jesus’ followers.
I’m aware that this has been a long reply but has probably not gone far enough to answer your question. I probably won’t convince you to change your mind, I’m not sure that’s my job. What I am here to do is to advocate for the equal treatment of all people, for inclusion and most especially to prevent further harm and hurt to LGBT folk as a result of homophibia and dangerous theology.
Thanks again.
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Okay, I was polite in my previous reply.
This is now me being impolite (because this is my space which I control & I won’t have people spouting hate & bollocks in my space)
Did you even read the posts I linked?
You asked for an explanation of my thought process which I mistook for genuine desire to understand a different viewpoint. It wasn’t. You don’t want to understand. You just want to peddle your vile version of God who is capricious & cruel & nothing like the God I know and love.
If you had read my post properly you would know that my theology is formed primarily from my relationship with God, his direct words to me and about me. I then turned to these books AFTER that as a way to help me understand on an intellectual & theological level something I ALREADY KNEW. And these books don’t teach a different doctrine than scripture, they merely INTERPRET scripture differently than you do.
It is not “the right way & the wrong way”, just differently. As with slavery, usury, women’s roles, baptism, the nature of hell, heliocentricity, the Trinity, Jesus ‘ Godhood, pacifism and many more tricky ideas that Christians interpret the Bible differently on, this is simply another issue where interpretation will vary.
Except it’s not just an issue, it’s people’s lives. For many LGBT folk their (our) lives are on the line, our health is on the line. And the health of the church that might exclude the preacher, teacher, worship leader or evangelist needed in a particular moment is on the line.
I’m deeply sorry for you that you believe in “The Sky Bully” version of God whose character has more in common with Zeus than with Yahweh ; I’m sorry for you that you are so afraid that “scary daddy” won’t let you into heaven that you project that fear into hating & excluding others & being complicit in their pain & suffering; I’m sorry your relationship with Jesus is so impoverished that you genuinely believe that being his disciple is an exclusive club where only “speshul” people are welcome – I wish you could know the Jesus I’m friends with who has a place for everyone at his table.
Having said that, I’m not yet as like him as I should be or want to be, so as your bafflement (deliberate obtuseness) is not my problem I ask you not to bring your harmful theology into my space again. Yes, I’m excluding you from further conversation here – for the sake of my own mental health & for those who visit this site.
(oh an the Corinthians verse – even view B theologians agree it is about PRACTICE not a blanket condemnation of “the gays”. We view A theologians would argue it is a specific type of practice – ie exploitative & non-consensual – that is being talked about. Also maybe ask yourself what “not inheriting the Kingdom” actually means – hint if you think it means “won’t go to Heaven” then you might not understand what Jesus was doing or talking about in his kingdom utterances. Maybe check out the sermon on the mount & his mission statements in Luke 4:18 & Matthew 11:5)
God Bless & I pray God does not judge you with the measure you judge others.
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